Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode three)

 All roads led to Dublin, and Mr Redknapp was visited in his sleep by a certain former ROI captain:

“Well, for me, England need to show quality in and around the penalty area. In the reverse fixture, they left themselves wide open at the back, comedy of errors when we counter-attacked, could have nicked it, for me. These are harsh lessons but they’ve got to learn them to get better, for me. Now back to you in the studio, Des!”

The England boss abruptly woke up, breathing heavily. Niko lay next to him, still asleep. There followed a flashback to that afternoon in 1964 when Trevor Brooking took great delight in defacing the Meccano toy castle he’d spent hours constructing. Yet he could return to sleep, safe in the knowledge that Trev was locked inside a basement, unable to influence English football in any way, shape or form.

After ‘Arry reminded his players this trip “ain’t a jolly-up, boys, we’re here to win”, training was delegated to Kevin Bond, in order to allow time for several rounds of golf with the guests of honour: Kevin Keegan, Terry Venables and Glenn Hoddle. Not only did the cadre of former England managers all outscore the incumbent, but Redknapp sustained a minor knee injury during the final stages; were he a player, it would not exactly be season-threatening but it would provide a credible excuse to get out of a pointless international friendly. Nonetheless, the golf pleased him without being too breathtaking – a bit like an above-average Europa League group match!

Afterwards, the entire coaching staff (which by now included Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch and Frank Lampard) were summoned for a briefing by UEFA’s head of referees. On and on he droned in his soporific tone, telling them things they either already knew or didn’t need to know. His speech was about as entertaining as a 0-0 draw contested by teams managed by Tony Pulis and Alex McLeish. They were also sternly warned not to use any of the emergency door release buttons “unless you really need to” (bad news for recreational users, then).

Not entirely unpredictably, however, someone intent on causing mischief did exactly that at 4am, initiating a deafening alarm and waking up at least half the squad. It was bad enough using a pillow that was so faded it wouldn’t even get onto a price-drop.tv sale, and a mattress so hard it could have been a central defender in the 1970s. Getting any sleep now would be about as likely as Sol Campbell managing Spurs, or perhaps Tony Mowbray smiling.

Yet there was no stopping Redknapp’s England now. After Roy Keane had been sent off for irately questioning a disallowed goal, the Three Lions scored three of their own, without reply. The away fans chanted “there’s only one Harry Redknapp” over and over again, as qualification for the Euros was secured with a game to spare. Triffic!

Post-match, each player witnessed the gaffer’s new 3-4-2-1 formation: 3 pints of lager, 4 large ciders, 2 bottles of wine and 1 gin and tonic to finish. Some way into the festivities, the boys persuaded ‘Arry to prank call Dr Jones, his old physio from his West Ham days, who once told him he could call him “anytime” to ask his advice on football matters. Now was the time to test whether he really meant “anytime”, as it was 2:40am…no answer. Could be asleep. Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones. Dr Jones, Dr Jones, wake up now! But he never did.