Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode six)

 Playing a 4-3-3 formation against the ultra-defensive Austrians turned out to be ‘Arry’s worst error since persuading Jamie to make an advert for Yes Car Credit all those years ago (well, he did have a poor credit rating). Their ‘park the bus’ tactics were frustrating England, and as extra time beckoned, anticipating a goal seemed akin to staying up all night ringing up the Quiz Call channel in the hope of winning a prize – a sure-fire sign of a failed social life, adding insult to the injury of phoning premium rate lines to enter (clearly rigged) competitions.

Nonetheless, a goal duly arrived in the 109^th minute, and from then on, it was England’s turn to defend and see out the win. “Triffic performance all round… I’m sure I tried to sign that Austrian defender at Portsmuff, what’s his name again?”

Next stop: Italy, who took out hosts Switzerland 2-0 earlier in the day (France versus Holland was to be the other semi-final, those nations having ended the progress of Spain and Russia respectively).

As well as a cornucopia of racehorses and sizeable brown envelopes, Mr Redknapp owned a specialised time machine — one that transported back only to 1966 and 1996. His players watched in wonder as a montage of memorable footballing moments, soundtracked by bankable British music from those years, unfolded before them, sending their adrenaline into a new and higher orbit.

It had the desired effect. The Azzurri were sent into damage control mode by two early goals, and countless further incursions into their territory followed; the final score of 4-1 flattered Italy, who had been well and truly taken to the cleaners. Even though their run of 11 competitive clean sheets had ended, England’s scintillating armoury of attacking weapons – backed up by a solid supporting cast – was peaking at the right time. France defeated the Dutch 2-0 to take their place in a highly anticipated final.

The disappointments detritus and oh-so-nears dermatitis were at the forefront of everyone’s minds as the players walked out at St. Jakob-Park in Basel. Any vague recollection of pleasure at England’s brighter past moments felt like a guilty secret; it was all about Harry’s boys and the new chapter to be written.

“Good evening everybody, and on nights like this, it is pretty much everybody”, intoned Clive Tyldesley. “Days like this are precious for their rarity. Do not adjust your set!”

Having survived a hat-trick of woodwork hits, the Three Lions stayed in the game and kept believing in themselves: the ultimate impact of a coach as special as Redknapp. Despite Les Blues finally taking the lead in the 13th minute of extra-time, that spirit saw England equalise early in the second period, and on 112 the manager gambled, bringing on a striker in place of a defender. It was never in his nature to play it safe.

Was this to be the moment Harry’s hopes of winning his country a trophy became dead and buried (in an appropriately shallow grave), or could he and they finally accelerate to where they wanted to be? Regardless, it was clear the last place Redknapp and his style of management was going to go was away...