Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode four)

 Roy Hodgson’s funeral was a sombre, dreary affair – much like one of his team’s performances. Sir Alex Ferguson delivered a moving eulogy: “Among his greatest achievements was securing a 0-0 draw away to Portugal as Finland coach, qualifying Switzerland for World Cup 94’ and finishing 7th with Fulham in 2008-9. What a loss to football, no doo’ aboo’ tha’ at all”.

‘Fergie’ was later seen weeping outside the church. One of Redknapp’s predecessors, Sven-Göran Eriksson, stood close by with his latest courtesan. “Ah well, er…why are so sad, Lord Alec? I didn’t think you knew him so…well, er…?”

“For God’s sake, Sven”, interjected Mick McCarthy. “He’s not crying ‘cos of Woy, his horse was running in the 3:20 at Newbury and it only came 3rd! And by the way, Roy Keane was here earlier, but he suddenly walked out.”

Meanwhile, ‘Arry was busy drafting his letter of appointment to ‘Brendin Rodgis’, for the role of assistant manager, only to inadvertently submit it to the board of directors in Wingdings. Whoops!

Soon after, Fergie visited the mansion in Sandbanks for a long natter about the horses, and a few bottles of wine later, the two great coaches sat around the kitchen table, holding hands and conducting a séance for almost-forgotten football managers.

“David O’Leary, is that you?” Nothing.

“Alan Curbishley, can you hear us?” Nothing.

“Howard Wilkinson, what are you up to these days?” Nothing.

“Nigel Worthington, why have you been unemployed for so long?” Nothing, apart from the rustling of leaves outside.

Now, let’s declaim the pre-euro Redknapp Forecast:

Rapport with players = good, becoming very good later

Hangover tolerance level = rising slowly

Number of journalists who love ‘Arry = rising more quickly

Microwave usage = moderate to good

Trevor Brooking’s moral status = very low (as always!)