Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode one)

 “Just remember – we had 4 points from 3 games when I took this job. Those fans who were booing, they’ve obviously not been watching England for the last 20 years and putting up with a load of dross!”

So began Harry Redknapp’s engaging press conference in the aftermath of his England team’s disappointing goalless draw at Wembley. “We’ve got so many key players out injured; we’re down to the bare bones. We need to get some bodies in, y’know. But I thought we did more than enough to win three games today! We created some triffic chances…it just wouldn’t go in for us.” The Republic of Ireland had clung on – berated by their coach Roy Keane for celebrating a 0-0 draw – as both sides sat on 8 points, 3 behind qualifying group leaders Finland at the halfway stage.

Redknapp went on to decry the comparatively early kick-off time, claiming his natural body clock – which he dubbed ‘Redknapp Mean Time’ – dictates he can only be at his best between the hours of 3pm and 9pm. “At this time, I should be watching the horse racing at Kemptown and ringing up Sir Alec for tips!” Journalists rolled in the aisles, the great raconteur in his element.

England’s opening Euro qualifier followed a similar pattern, frustrated by the Finns at Wembley, after which criticism of then manager Roy Hodgson intensified. A routine 4-1 victory in Macedonia followed, only for the Three Lions to crash to a devastating defeat away to Kazakhstan. Goalscorer Azamat Bagatov danced with captain Nursultan Tulyakbay after the final whistle, to the tune of Korky Buchek’s classic “Bing Bang, Bing Bang Bong”. The entire crowd in Almaty joined in the post-match festivities with a raucous rendition of the Kazakh national anthem: “Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world, all other countries are run by little girls…”

Weeks later, Hodgson’s heart attack brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘sudden death’, and it was time for the FA to act. Our ‘Arry was on the golf course when his mobile rang (he only recently learned how to switch it on!)

“Mr Redknapp – it’s Simon Chambers, the FA chief executive.”

“This isn’t the time for prank calls, Jermaine – I’m on the 17^th hole here.”

“Mr Redknapp, I wish to discuss the vacant first team manager position with you as a matter of urgency.”

“Wow…thank God Trevor Brooking isn’t there anymore!”

After a brief conversation, the renowned salvationist threw his golf club into the Hampshire sky and embraced his playing partner: “Glenn, I’ve got it at last! Your old job!”

An easy-as-could-be-imagined opener against ultra-minnows San Marino ended in a 5-0 stroll, before the Ireland draw provided a reality check, prompting the new boss to make an addition to his backroom team.

“Well, Niko was a fantastic footballah. I ‘ad ‘im at Portsmuff, Totnim and QPR. I know he isn’t English, but neither is Joe Jordan, and he’s a top, top class coach. Niko’s exactly what we need at the moment.”