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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode six)

  Playing a 4-3-3 formation against the ultra-defensive Austrians turned out to be ‘Arry’s worst error since persuading Jamie to make an advert for Yes Car Credit all those years ago (well, he did have a poor credit rating). Their ‘park the bus’ tactics were frustrating England, and as extra time beckoned, anticipating a goal seemed akin to staying up all night ringing up the Quiz Call channel in the hope of winning a prize – a sure-fire sign of a failed social life, adding insult to the injury of phoning premium rate lines to enter (clearly rigged) competitions. Nonetheless, a goal duly arrived in the 109 th minute, and from then on, it was England’s turn to defend and see out the win. “Triffic performance all round… I’m sure I tried to sign that Austrian defender at Portsmuff, what’s his name again?” Next stop: Italy, who took out hosts Switzerland 2-0 earlier in the day (France versus Holland was to be the other semi-final, those nations having ended the progress of Spain and R
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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode five)

  Harry Redknapp’s England arrived at the Euros in Switzerland with infectious and indefatigable energy, passion and belief. The media milieu were treated to the usual amalgam of player praise and pub-style humour in his press conference – the kind of tour de force very few could manage. After the Swiss pummelled Turkey 4-0 in the tournament opener, England recorded a 1-0 victory against old foes Portugal. Afterwards, ‘Arry and his coaching staff walked into a pub unannounced, chatting for hours with the lifelong Man United fan from the Home Counties, the bitter West Ham fan, the Chelsea fan who had somehow only been a Chelsea fan since 2003 and the Newcastle fan who genuinely believed his club should be winning the Premier League! The team and their supporters were dovetailing in a way they hadn’t since the heady days of Euro 96’, and there was a sense that the peak of ‘Arry’s alchemy had yet to be reached. Despite posting 23 shots on goal, the Three Lions were held to a goalless
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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode four)

  Roy Hodgson’s funeral was a sombre, dreary affair – much like one of his team’s performances. Sir Alex Ferguson delivered a moving eulogy: “Among his greatest achievements was securing a 0-0 draw away to Portugal as Finland coach, qualifying Switzerland for World Cup 94’ and finishing 7th with Fulham in 2008-9. What a loss to football, no doo’ aboo’ tha’ at all”. ‘Fergie’ was later seen weeping outside the church. One of Redknapp’s predecessors, Sven-Göran Eriksson, stood close by with his latest courtesan. “Ah well, er…why are so sad, Lord Alec? I didn’t think you knew him so…well, er…?” “For God’s sake, Sven”, interjected Mick McCarthy. “He’s not crying ‘cos of Woy, his horse was running in the 3:20 at Newbury and it only came 3rd! And by the way, Roy Keane was here earlier, but he suddenly walked out.” Meanwhile, ‘Arry was busy drafting his letter of appointment to ‘Brendin Rodgis’, for the role of assistant manager, only to inadvertently submit it to the board of directors
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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode three)

  All roads led to Dublin, and Mr Redknapp was visited in his sleep by a certain former ROI captain: “Well, for me, England need to show quality in and around the penalty area. In the reverse fixture, they left themselves wide open at the back, comedy of errors when we counter-attacked, could have nicked it, for me. These are harsh lessons but they’ve got to learn them to get better, for me. Now back to you in the studio, Des!” The England boss abruptly woke up, breathing heavily. Niko lay next to him, still asleep. There followed a flashback to that afternoon in 1964 when Trevor Brooking took great delight in defacing the Meccano toy castle he’d spent hours constructing. Yet he could return to sleep, safe in the knowledge that Trev was locked inside a basement, unable to influence English football in any way, shape or form. After ‘Arry reminded his players this trip “ain’t a jolly-up, boys, we’re here to win”, training was delegated to Kevin Bond, in order to allow time for seve
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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode two)

  New coach Niko Kranj č ar led the sing-song from the front of the coach: “We’re on the highway to hell…sinki!” Much merriment could be noticed as the England squad headed for the Finnish capital. Their hotel was a rather old building, with the distinct feeling that bodies had been buried somewhere under the floorboards. The adjacent AstroTurf pitches looked like they hadn’t been overhauled since Just Fontaine was in his prime. “Me and Kevin Bond have coached in some right swamps in our time, but this really is the back of beyond! Niko, do you want to take the warm-up, my boy?” Redknapp’s Croatian assistant sported a collection of red-and-white-checked tracksuit tops, with long sleeves to cover the scar on his left arm – caused by a soldering mishap during a school metalwork lesson (years later, his teacher slipped and fell on a live electrical board. Karma!) In order to shatter the canard that ‘Arry doesn’t do tactics, the day’s training exercise comprised a tactical segmen
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Harry's Game: if Harry Redknapp became the England manager (episode one)

  “Just remember – we had 4 points from 3 games when I took this job. Those fans who were booing, they’ve obviously not been watching England for the last 20 years and putting up with a load of dross!” So began Harry Redknapp’s engaging press conference in the aftermath of his England team’s disappointing goalless draw at Wembley. “We’ve got so many key players out injured; we’re down to the bare bones. We need to get some bodies in, y’know. But I thought we did more than enough to win three games today! We created some triffic chances…it just wouldn’t go in for us.” The Republic of Ireland had clung on – berated by their coach Roy Keane for celebrating a 0-0 draw – as both sides sat on 8 points, 3 behind qualifying group leaders Finland at the halfway stage. Redknapp went on to decry the comparatively early kick-off time, claiming his natural body clock – which he dubbed ‘Redknapp Mean Time’ – dictates he can only be at his best between the hours of 3pm and 9pm. “At this time, I s
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